


Wishingbone

by Kapua



Category: Pitch Perfect (Movies)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-21
Updated: 2015-07-21
Packaged: 2018-04-10 13:13:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4393289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kapua/pseuds/Kapua
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Angsty Bechloe. Chloe's got a past, and it's keeping her from giving Beca everything she wants. Chloe/Beca.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"No."

"But Chloe-"

"I said no, Beca, and that's the end of it. I can't give you that, and I'm sorry about it, but it's not going to change."

Beca exhaled in frustration, running a hand through her hair as she tried to think of what to say. Of all the ways that she might have envisioned her relationship going, of all the problems she had imagined them encountering, this was definitely not on the list. Sighing, Beca dropped her hands to her sides in defeat.

"I just…I don't know why you're so against us being open and out about the fact that we're dating, Chloe. I mean, I get that you're nervous about people reacting badly, but I don't think we should let the possibility of a few awkward looks or shitty comments dictate what we do with our lives."

Chloe shook her head, trying to articulate her concerns. "It's not just that, Beca. I'm sorry for being scared, but I'm not you." Her tone turned pleading as she met Beca's eyes, begging her to understand. "I'm not brave like you, Beca. Why can't we just keep being happy like this? Has the way we've been doing things really been so awful?"

Groaning, Beca shook her head and said, "That's not the point and you know it, Chloe. You know that I've been happy with you- honestly, this is the happiest I've been in my life- but you've made me better than this. You're the one who made me believe that I was worth your time, that I could be deserving of your love, and I don't understand why you're so desperate to keep us a secret. It's like I'm worthy of your love, but not all of it, and not all of the time. Not when there are people we don't know around, or when we're in public, or _whatever_."

Taking a deep breath to try to steady herself, Beca spoke her greatest fear.

"The way that you act makes me think that you're embarrassed of me, that I'm not good enough and that the reason you act this way is because of something I'm doing."

Chloe felt like her heart was breaking as Beca spoke, and she stepped closer to the brunette, reaching out tentatively to cup her cheek and try to get her to make eye contact. It had never been her intention to make Beca feel like her love for her was conditional- in fact, nothing could be further form the truth. Opening her mouth to try to explain that she loved Beca, that the brunette was more than good enough, Chloe felt a stab of hurt when Beca pulled away and cut her off before she could speak.

Still not looking directly at Chloe, she quietly said, "I can't do this right now. I think you need to leave." Tears sprung to Chloe's eyes at the words and she opened her mouth, closed it, opened it again, and finally shut it without saying anything. After a second to try to compose herself, Chloe murmured, "Okay. If that's what you want."

Walking slowly to the door, Chloe opened it but hesitated before stepping outside. Looking back at Beca, she whispered, "I do love you, Beca." The DJ tensed at the words but didn't react in any other way, and Chloe blinked back a fresh wave of tears as she stepped though the door and closed it behind her.

The quite _click_ of the latch snapped Chloe's last thread of self control, and she fumbled through her phone, pressing a few keys more out of instinct than anything else. When the other line picked up, Chloe felt a sob bubbling up in her chest, and she couldn't force her voice to work. Aubrey's tone switched instantly as the muffled sound of Chloe's cries came through the phone, and the blonde tersely asked, "Where are you Chloe?"

Using the last reserves of her strength, Chloe hiccuped, "B-Beca's," and felt a swell of thankfulness when all Aubrey said was, "I'm on my way."

Five minutes later, Aubrey's silver Nissan screeched into the parking lot in front of Beca's residence hall and the blonde made a beeline for Beca's doorstep, frantically searching for any sign of Chloe. When she spotted the redhead, she felt an overwhelming urge to kick down Beca's door and murder the DJ, but before she could do anything Chloe was running to her, holding her tightly and sobbing into her chest, and Aubrey's focus shifted to helping her friend.

Aubrey murmured soothing words into Chloe's hair, trying to calm her even a littler bit. After a long several minutes, Aubrey gently tugged Chloe to the car, placing her in the passenger seat before going to the other side and getting in.

The drive back to their shared apartment was silent, and Aubrey kept sneaking worried glances at Chloe. The redhead was eerily still, just staring out the window, and Aubrey felt her stomach sink. This was so not good. When they were finally home, Aubrey led Chloe inside, draping a blanket over her and curling up behind her when the redhead collapsed onto her bed.

Aubrey was silent, knowing that Chloe would tell her what had happened when she was ready. They laid there for what felt like hours but could have been minutes, until finally Chloe's voice broke the silence. "Everything is falling apart, Bree," she mumbled, "Beca hates me, she thinks that I don't love her and that I'm embarrassed of her because I wont be super public about us." Aubrey felt her heart clench painfully at the naked pain in Chloe's voice, and she held the redhead a little bit tighter.

"I'm not embarrassed, though," Chloe continued, "Not even a little bit! I love Beca so, so much, and if I could I would show her off to everyone because I feel so incredibly lucky to be dating her. But I just…I'm so scared, Bree."

Chloe stopped speaking for a minute, knowing that Aubrey already knew the story and would be able to fill in the blanks and figure the rest out for herself. Eventually, Aubrey hesitantly said, "Maybe…maybe you should tell her what happened, Chloe. I know I'm not always Beca's biggest fan, but…if she knew, then maybe-"

Chloe's whole body tensed and she jerked away from Aubrey as though she had been physically hurt. Turning to face Aubrey, Chloe's voice was harsh and tinged with panic as she shook her head emphatically. "No. Beca cant know. What if she…what if she hates me for it? What if she blames me? What if she breaks up with me? What if-"

The redhead burst into tears, wrapping her arms tightly around herself as she tried to keep from falling apart entirely. Aubrey reached out cautiously, and when Chloe didn't shy away she drew the redhead into her arms and held her until she began to calm down. Sighing deeply, she stroked Chloe's hair and quietly said, "Chloe. I wish there was something else to say, but…look at where things are at now. This is already hurting the both of you and killing your relationship. I don't think that Beca would react how you seem to think she will. Beca loves you, Chlo, and you need to trust in that."

When Chloe didn't say anything, Aubrey exhaled, knowing that she needed to try something else. "Chloe, what if Beca came to you and told you that this had happened to _her_?"

Chloe's whole body tensed, tightly coiled like a spring as she choked out, "Oh god, Aubrey, did something happen? Please, please tell me you don't know something I don't."

Quickly trying to ease Chloe's fears, Aubrey shook her head. "No, Chloe, not at all." Chloe sagged against the blonde with relief, but was instantly back on edge as Aubrey continued, "But if something _did_ happen, or if something happened now, would you hate her for it?"

Chloe turned tear-filled eyes to meet Aubrey's gaze and asked dully, "Why would you even ask me to think about that? How can you ask me to imagine that about the one person I'm trying to protect more than anything? You really think I could ever hate her anyways?"

Aubrey shook her head, gently cupping Chloe's cheek as she said, "No, Chloe, I don't think that. I know you don't want to think about it, but my point is that, if you would still love her, why would she respond any differently? Sometimes you have to give people the benefit of the doubt and believe that they'll love and support you just like you would love and support them if the roles were reversed."

Chloe didn't say anything, just slowly laid back down and pulled Aubrey with her. Hugging Chloe tightly, Aubrey whispered, "Just think about it. Beca is only pushing this because she doesn't understand where you're coming from." Leaning over and kissing Chloe on the cheek, Aubrey settled back in and murmured, "Now get some sleep. I'll be right here."

\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

Chloe gradually woke to the sound of her phone vibrating.

Aubrey grumbled behind her, holding her a little more tightly, and Chloe sent a silent thank-you out to the universe for giving her such an amazing best friend. She really didn't know what she would have done these past few years without the blonde.

Moving just enough to grab her phone to see who would text her at what seemed to be an early hour, based on the hazy light in her window, Chloe felt her heart jump as Beca's name flashed on her screen. Steeling herself, she opened the message. Her eyebrows knitted together in confusion as her eyes skimmed the screen, picking out the important information from the message.

Beca wanted to meet up for coffee to talk about things.

Huh.

Chloe felt a bemused smile touch the corners of her mouth at the thought of _Beca_ actually _wanting_ to talk, and she ignored her nerves as she quickly typed and sent her response.

Setting her pone down, Chloe snuggled back into Aubrey. She had a few hours before she needed to meet Beca, and she fully intended to spend them cuddling and sleeping.

\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

By the time 2:00pm rolled around, Chloe's nerves were running rampant. She didn't know what to expect from this meeting- after the previous night, all bets were off and she didn't know whether to gear up for reconciliation or for Beca breaking up with her.

Inhaling and holding the breath for a beat, Chloe exhaled and walked inside. It was a cute little coffee shop- one of hers and Beca's favourites, actually. It was a little ways off campus, but still close enough for Beca to walk, and it was open 24/7. The decorations were quirky- the ceiling tiles were all painted with different things, and they combined to create an eclectic mural on the ceiling. Comfy chairs and couches filled nearly all of the floor space, and Beca and Chloe had a favourite back corner where nobody could see them from the rest of the shop. It was a perfect little secluded area to talk and hang out, and Chloe was comfortable enough back there that she didn't mind a little physical affection and contact either.

Chloe zigzagged her way through the sea of chairs straight back to the corner where she knew Beca was undoubtedly waiting. The DJ was sitting facing away from Chloe with her headphones on, and Chloe carefully walked around the front of Beca so that she didn't startle the brunette when she dropped down next to her on the couch.

Beca smiled at her, sliding her headphones off to rest around her neck, and she quietly said, "Hi."

Chloe was trying to analyze Beca's every move and expression, but when she couldn't figure anything out her shoulders sagged and she could only murmur, "Hey," in response. They sat there in silence for a few minutes until Chloe suddenly blurted out, "Are you breaking up with me?"

The second the words were out, she was clapping her hands over her mouth, wishing she could take the words back. Beca chuckled dryly at the redhead's panic and shook her head. "I don't think so…or at least, I hope not. I actually was hoping we could just talk and try to figure things out."

Chloe nodded, the relief that Beca wasn't planning on breaking up with her nearly overwhelming. Jumping in before Beca could say anything else, Chloe said, "Before you say anything, I just want you to know that I do love you. I'm sorry that I gave you a reason to doubt that, or to think that I'm embarrassed or anything like that."

Lacing her fingers with Beca's, Chloe quickly continued, "You are perfect- so perfect in every way- and I swear that everything we've been arguing over is because of me and my own issues. I'm completely the one at fault, and I can't apologize enough if I didn't make that clear."

Beca sighed. "I do know that you love me, Chloe, this has just kind of caught me off guard and it's been hard. I was thinking about it last night, after you left, though, and I think that maybe it wasn't fair to you to start throwing around ultimatums. I mean, if the people that we care about know, then maybe that's enough for now. I'm not saying I'm okay with that forever, because I do want us to be able to be open someday. But maybe if you need time to get there, then I can keep doing it for a while longer. I don't want to force you into anything, you know?"

Chloe felt tears spring to her eyes at what Beca was saying. She dove forward and hugged Beca tightly, happiness and relief and love all mingling together as the DJ returned the embrace. Wiping her eyes as she pulled back, Chloe looked at Beca seriously. She was determined to keep the brunette from doubting or thinking anything that might lead to a break-up, so she said, "Thank you so much, Beca. I promise I'm going t work out my things. I want to be able to give you everything you deserve and more, and I'll do whatever it takes to make that happen."

The sincerity in Chloe's voice tugged at Beca's heartstrings, and she hugged the redhead again. Sinking into the embrace, Chloe tried to calm her racing thoughts.

She didn't know if what she had just promised Beca was possible, but if she tried hard enough then there was bound to be a way. As long as she had Beca, she could figure the rest out. Right?


	2. Chapter 2

Aubrey groaned as she rolled over and grabbed her buzzing phone off of the nightstand, her tone harsh as she answered the call.

"Why the hell are you calling me at 2:00am, Mitchell?"

There was a split second of silence, just long enough for Aubrey's heart to drop, before Beca's tear-filled voice came over the line. "It's Chloe, Aubrey. Something happened.

/\/\/\/\/\

It had been two months since their big blow out over being more public about their relationship, and Beca was once again growing frustrated.

Despite Chloe's promises to work things out and try to get over her hangups, nothing had really changed. Beca had tried being patient, but the constant hiding was getting old- in fact, it had gotten old months ago. There was just so much that she didn't understand, and Chloe refused to discuss things with her. The redhead always gave her general excuses, placating her without ever really telling her what the issue was, and Beca was tired of it.

The very first time she had brought up the idea of going public with their relationship, Chloe's response had taken her completely by surprise. Chloe had generally been the one who initiated things in their relationship thus far, and so Beca hadn't anticipated her having much of a problem with taking things to the next level. Instead, Chloe had gotten quiet for a long minute before looking Beca in the eye and saying, "No."

There was nothing else, no explanation or elaboration, nothing. Chloe had stood up and left the room, leaving Beca sitting there in mild shock.

She had pressed the topic a few days later, her tone slightly confrontational as she asked Chloe why she didn't want to make their relationship public. Despite her best efforts, Beca knew that some of her hurt had seeped into her voice when she saw the flash of pain on Chloe's face, but she couldn't quite bring herself to feel bad about it. Because really, if Chloe was embarrassed or unsure about them dating, why had she pushed for it in the first place?

The redhead had been the one to ask Beca out, had been the one to shyly ask if they could be exclusive, had been the one who first murmured a quiet _I love you_ into Beca's ear. If all of that had been leading up to this, to her refusing to let anyone but Aubrey know about them, then Beca didn't see the point. It just seemed like cruel, pointless teasing, and Beca didn't want to believe that Chloe was capable of that. So yeah, she was hurt, and she wasn't about to apologize to Chloe for it when the other girl hadn't even bothered to stick around and explain why she had shot the idea down and had spent the past two days avoiding Beca.

Chloe had sighed, covering her face with her hands for a minute before slowly looking up to meet Beca's eyes for a brief second before looking away.

She was scared, she said, terrified of what might happen if people knew that they were in a same-sex relationship and weren't straight. Chloe was looking studiously at the floor, but Beca could still see the sheen of tears in her eyes, could hear the blatant fear in her voice as she talked, and she felt her heart go out to the redhead. Beca had sat down next to Chloe on the bed and wrapped her arms around her. Chloe had tensed, her body stiffening for a second before she relaxed into Beca's embrace.

Beca could feel her body shaking, trembles of fear still racing through her, and she wondered silently how they had gotten this far in their relationship without this ever coming up before. How had she _not_ known that Chloe was deathly afraid of backlash for being gay? She wondered briefly if there was any reason in particular for Chloe being so concerned about this- but no. There was no way something could have happened to Chloe. The redhead would have told her, or Beca would have figured it out by now. She was kind of a bad girlfriend for not bothering to ask about where Chloe stood in terms of being "out and proud," so to speak, but there was no way she could not know something that major. Her brief attack of bad-girlfriend syndrome receded, and Beca sighed as she stroked Chloe's hair and made the decision to let the topic rest for now.

Months passed, and Beca attempted to bring up the subject a total of eight more times with the same result (not that she was counting, or anything.) The night of the big argument had been the ninth time she had tried to broach the subject, and her patience had snapped. She just didn't understand why Chloe was so against it, and so terrified.

Beca could get that she was nervous about what people might say, but that seemed like a comparatively small thing to have to deal with if it meant that they could hold hands in public, or even really touch at all. Chloe was strict about not doing anything that might be interpreted in any way whatsoever as relationshippy in public (meaning anywhere other than Bella's practices and her apartment with Aubrey), and Beca was frustrated about the fact that she practically had to maintain a 6-inch bubble of space between her and Chloe if she didn't want the other girl to freak out.

She just wanted to be able to touch her girlfriend in public, to say something when stupid jocks hit on her with cheesy pick-up lines and groping hands, and to Beca having to endure a few homophobic comments was more than worth it. Apparently Chloe didn't feel the same.

Beca had kicked Chloe out of her apartment in an effort to keep herself from saying something she would regret, but when they had talked the next afternoon she had thought that maybe it was the wake-up call that the older girl had needed all along. Chloe had seemed so sincere about wanting to change things, and Beca had let herself get her hopes up.

Looking at herself in the mirror, Beca let out a frustrated sigh.

Nothing had changed.

They were going to a party at Stacie's, and she was certain that she would spend the whole night watching Chloe, wishing she could touch her or dance with her, but being kept just out of arms reach until they left and were safely back at Chloe's. Chloe walked into the room and came up behind Beca, her arms wrapping loosely around her waist as she rested her chin on Beca's shoulder and met her troubled gaze through the mirror.

"What's wrong, babe?" She asked, seeing the frown line barely creasing Beca's forehead. Beca hesitated for a minute before turning in Chloe's embrace so she was looking directly at the other girl.

"When we're at the party tonight…..I want you to hold my hand."

Chloe felt a flare of panic in the pit of her stomach, but she could see the pleading way that Beca was looking at her, and she was honestly scared of what Beca's response might be if she said no. She knew that she hadn't really changed anything since promising Beca she would, and she was terrified that she was losing the brunette. Every time she moved away from her touch ever-so-slightly when they were in public, or let someone sit between them when they were out, or didn't say anything when some dumb jock put his hands all over her….she saw the way that Beca's eyes deadened a little bit more, and that terrified her. She couldn't stand the thought of losing Beca, and so she forced her instinctual response down and made herself run through the situation logically.

They were going to be at Stacie's house.

They were going to be surrounded by people who likely knew either her or Beca in one way or another and weren't going to say or do anything.

Everyone would be drunk, so the likelihood of them even noticing was slim.

And even if someone did notice, hopefully one of their friends would be able to back them up.

From a logical perspective, there was really no solid reason to refuse to do something as small as _hold Beca's hand_ at the party, and so Chloe grudgingly nodded her head.

Beca's smile was both immediately blinding and surprised, and Chloe felt a pang at the second emotion. Beca threw her arms around Chloe, hugging her tightly and whispering, "Thank you, Chlo. Really, I know that it's not easy for you, but it means _so much_ to me."

Chloe blinked back tears and just hugged Beca back, silently praying that nothing would go wrong.

/\/\/\/\/\

As they approached the house, Chloe tried to breathe deeply.

She glanced over at Beca from the corner of her eye and found herself lost for a moment in how beautiful the other girl was. They were nearly at the door, and she hesitantly reached over, tangling her fingers with Beca's before they stepped inside. She could literally _feel_ the heat from Beca's smile at her back as the younger girl stepped inside behind her, and they walked in to the kitchen to grab some drinks.

Nobody said anything- in fact, Chloe was pretty sure most of them didn't even give them a second glance if they even noticed in the first place. A half hour passed, and then an hour, and then two, and slowly Chloe felt herself starting to relax.

She was seated on a couch with Beca on her left and Cynthia-Rose on her right, and it was one of the nicest things she'd experienced in a while. Just sitting, holding Beca's hand as the brunette talked across her to Cynthia-Rose about choreography and song choices for the Bellas. It was nice, to be able to hold Beca's hand instead of trying to physically prevent herself from reaching over, and she allowed herself to fantasize about what it would be like if they could be like this all the time.

Chloe had only had a couple of drinks and had a slight buzz, but was still entirely coherent. Beca, on the other hand, had knocked back a considerably larger number of drinks, and the brunette was well past tipsy and headed straight for drunk. Beca stood up and stumbled, swaying slightly to the side, and Chloe was immediately on her feet, catching Beca and stabilizing her. Beca leaned into her, wrapping her arms round her neck as she swayed lightly in place.

"Come dance with me?"

The request was breathy, and Chloe could smell the alcohol on Beca's breath, and maybe it had something to do with the alcohol running through her own system, but she nodded hesitantly, letting Beca lead her out into the middle of the living room where other couples were dancing.

The song was sultry, a medium-tempo beat with thick bass running under it, and as Beca's arms wrapped around her from behind, Chloe felt the rest of the world start to slip away. She melted into her girlfriend, and for a few minutes, the rest of the world faded away and it was just the two of them, dancing, holding each other and reveling in the feeling.

The song ended, and Chloe reluctantly opened her eyes, turning to look at Beca. The brunette's eyes were hazy with alcohol and lust, and before Chloe could say anything Beca was pushing her against a wall, kissing her.

The kiss was insistent, teeth nipping at lips and begging her to kiss back, and Chloe responded out of instinct, unable to bring herself to _not_ when Beca, the girl she loved more than anyone or anything else, was the one begging her for this. She had no idea how long they had been kissing for- it couldn't have been more than a few seconds, but her sense of time was so skewed- when Chloe felt a pair of hands pulling her out from under Beca.

Her eyes flew open as she saw one of the football players staring at her, lust and something _else_ in his eyes ( _disgust, she would think to herself later_ ).

She looked frantically for Beca, saw her stumbling backwards and hitting the edge of the couch, and she prayed harder than she ever had that Beca wouldn't get dragged into this, that they would leave her out of it.

"Chloeeeee," the football guy slurred, dragging out the last syllable in her name, "Never would have pegged you for a dyke!"

He leaned closer to her, stage whispering, "I mean, you're too fucking pretty for that, right? And we both know how many guys you've slept with."

He glanced over at Beca, who was trying to right herself, eyes frantically searching for Chloe, and jerked his thumb at her. "You don't need _her_. Please. All you need is someone to show you what it's like to sleep with a _real_ man, and I guarantee you that you'll forget she ever existed."

Chloe felt a spike of pure fear race through her as he shot a look of pure venom at Beca, but then he was looking back at her and she almost felt _relieved_ that his attention was back on her and not Beca.

He leaned in, his hands meaty and damp against her arms as he held her in place, and then he was kissing her. His stubble scratched her face, and his lips were dry and chapped and-

 _oh god_.

She blacked out.

Shut down.

There was nothing, blissful nothingness.

And then suddenly Beca was in front of her, eyes scared and tearful and she didn't even know what, sweet Beca reaching out hesitantly to touch her, her mouth moving and saying words that Chloe couldn't quite hear.

Everything was moving in slow motion, like she was underwater….she distantly saw Stacie trying to pull Cynthia-Rose off the football player, who was laid out on the floor, as she kept trying to get another hit in.

She saw the rest of the party still going on, except for the occasional glance towards the scene they were creating.

She saw the footballer's friends watching disinterestedly, some cracking up about how he got his ass beat by a _girl_.

And then it was back to Beca, who was in front of her, trying to get her to say something, _anything_ , and suddenly it was too much.

Chloe wrenched free of Beca's grasp and ran for the door, barely making it outside before emptying her stomach. Nausea pounded through her in waves, but it was drowned in the boundless fear pulsing through her every fiber. She felt somebody come up behind her and whirled, only to see Beca standing there, hands up in front of her.

"Chloe, please…"

"Don't touch me. Don't _fucking_ touch me," Chloe gasped, turning and running in the opposite direction. She couldn't be around anyone. If Beca asked her right now, then the whole fucking story would come spilling out, and she couldn't handle that. There was a _reason_ she hadn't told Beca anything, damn it, and just….fuck.

She paused for a second to slip her heels off before continuing to run barefoot, the cold night air whipping around her as she tried to outrun the memories that were threatening to overwhelm her.

Back at the house, Beca was holding it together by a thread.

Everything had been going amazingly, and then….shit.

Shit shit shit shit shit.

The alcohol in her system seemed to have evaporated the second she felt herself being roughly thrown away from Chloe. She had stumbled back into the arm of the couch and had heard Cynthia-Rose ask what was happening, if she was okay, but she was too busy searching for Chloe to answer. She had locked eyes with the redhead an instant before she saw that fucking football player lean in and kiss Chloe, his tongue shoved into her mouth as he groped her blatantly, one hand snaking up her skirt.

She had seen red and had lunged for him, but Cynthia-Rose had beaten her to it, tackling him to the ground and beginning to pummel him.

Chloe had been catatonic when she went over to her- like she had just checked out, gone somewhere else, and the emptiness in her eyes had terrified Beca.

And now….now she was gone. Beca had no idea what to do. Fuck. This was all her fault, if she hadn't pushed Chloe….but that didn't matter right now. All that mattered was finding Chloe and making sure she was safe.

Beca racked her brain, and her mind settled on one name: Aubrey. Aubrey would know what to do, how to find Chloe. Her fingers were shaking as she dialed Aubrey's number, and when she picked up, Beca tried to stumble through an explanation, but all she got out was, "This guy, he…" Before Aubrey cut her off.

"Fuck. You're at Stacie's? I'll be there in five. Don't move."

True to her word, not five minutes later Aubrey was screeching to a stop in front of Stacie's house, throwing open her passenger door and practically yanking Beca inside. Beca gave her the short version of what had happened, tears choking her voice at more than one point as she remembered what had just happened, and when she was done she fell silent. Aubrey was still driving in silence, but when Beca glanced over she was alarmed to see tears rolling down Aubrey's face.

They pulled to a stop in front of a railroad bridge. Beca looked at Aubrey questioningly, and the blonde exhaled heavily, running a hand over her eyes before looking up.

"There's a tin shed under the bridge….Chloe used to come here a lot after...well, just after…sit up on the roof. It's a bitch to get up there, but that's where she'll be."

Beca nodded and went to get out of the car, but before she could, Aubrey reached over and grabbed her wrist.

"Beca- I just…..you need to know going down there that what happened tonight….it's not the first time, okay? Chloe…well, you need to have that conversation with her. Just, be gentle, okay? And love her. Love her no matter what she tells you or doesn't tell you. Promise me?"

Nodding slowly, confused and even more worried now, Beca carefully pried Aubrey's fingers off her wrist and opened the door.

"I'll be waiting right here to take you both home," Aubrey said quietly, and Beca nodded before shutting the car door carefully. She walked slowly down the steep incline of the hill, using the stanchions to help brace herself and keep from slipping. As she got closer to the bottom, she saw the dim outline of the shed, and she angled her course so that she ended up at one of the corners.

Looking at the shed and searching for a way up, Beca eventually settled for using a broken window as a ledge so that her torso was resting on the roof, and then swinging her legs around so she was completely on the roof. She could see Chloe's silhouette on the opposite side of the roof facing away from her, and as she inched her way over, Chloe's voice reached her ears.

"Everything is so fucked up, Bree. Beca….she's going to hate me."

Inching so that she was just behind Chloe but not quite touching her, Beca exhaled softly before saying, "I don't hate you, Chloe. I could never hate you."

The redhead spun around, shock etched across her face as she took in the sight of Beca sitting behind her on the roof. Knowing that she wasn't going to surprise Chloe now, Beca reached out and gently grasped Chloe's hand in her own. "I swear, there is absolutely nothing in this world that could ever make me hate you. I love you, Chloe, more than anything, so _please_. _Please_ tell me what's going on so that I can help, so that I can love you and try to make whatever is hurting better. Just…please, trust me."

There was silence for a long minute, but then Chloe looked at her, blue eyes swimming with tears, and finally nodded.

* * *


	3. Chapter 3

Chloe sat there in silence for long seconds that stretched into minutes, not quite sure where to start. She was honestly still kind of in shock that Beca had followed her in the first place, that the brunette was still seated slightly behind her, patiently waiting for her to explain. She had thought that after what had happened at the party, Beca would have either been hurt because she ran away, or she would have finally understood that Chloe was broken in some way, that she wasn't worth the effort.

Instead…Chloe knew that Beca had to have called Aubrey, otherwise there was no way the brunette would have found her in the first place. Aubrey was the only one who knew that this was her place, which meant that the blonde was probably waiting in the car for them both. Chloe sniffled, unable to help the hint of a smile that brushed her lips at the thought of her best friend.

The sound of Beca shifting subtly behind her brought Chloe's attention back to her current dilemma.

Beca deserved an explanation after tonight- there was no way Chloe could go on pretending that everything was fine, that nothing had happened. It wasn't fair to her, and it wasn't fair to Beca either. She was still terrified that the truth would cause Beca to run, though.

Feeling the beginnings of panic rising in her stomach, Chloe clamped down on the sick feeling and forced herself to inhale deeply and remember what Aubrey had been trying to tell her for so long.

Beca was here, clearly wanting to listen to whatever Chloe had to say, and the brunette hadn't given any indication that she was judging Chloe or wanted to run away, in spite of the night's earlier events. Maybe Aubrey was right, and she needed to trust that Beca wouldn't hate her. Maybe knowing the truth would even make it easier for Beca to understand where she had been coming from these last few months, why she had been so difficult and scared.

Still, it was hard for Chloe to know where to begin with this conversation. Mentally running through how best she could make it through without running or shutting down completely, she came up with two things that she would need from Beca. Steeling herself, she turned to the younger girl so she could look her in the eye. Chloe kept her tone soft as she cautiously began speaking.

"Beca…if I'm going to tell this story, I need two things from you."

Nodding quickly, Beca instantly replied, "Whatever you need."

Arching an eyebrow, Chloe said, "First- I need you to not interrupt me or say anything until I'm completely done," trying not to smile at the blush that rose on Beca's cheeks as she realized she had already broken the first rule.

Chloe squeezed Beca's hand before carefully disentangling her fingers from Beca's, quietly stating, "And second- I need you not to touch me until I'm done."

The look on Beca's face was a mix of confusion at the request and determination to follow it, and she scooted backwards on the roof to put a couple inches of space between her and Chloe.

Exhaling slowly and shooting Beca a thankful look for going along with it, Chloe paused for a moment to center herself and remember her techniques for not getting swept into memories she would rather forget.

She inhaled, smelling the cool night air and the gentle scent of fresh grass and dew.

She listened to the stillness, broken by the occasional birdcall or rustle in the grass.

She looked around and mentally counted the stanchions -1,2, 3, 4- and then searched for the pile of old railroad ties that she knew were laying off to the side and counted those too - 1,2,3,4,5,6,7.

She let herself really feel the cold metal of the roof under her legs, her fingertips grazing over the corrugated metal at the edge as she looked up at the stars, her lips curving at the familiarity of Orion's belt hovering there.

Finally, she brought her senses back in to herself, making sure her breathing was calm and her muscles relaxed. She let her eyes dance briefly over Beca's face, drawing strength from the brunette's figure, before she turned away slightly and began talking.

"I was a sophomore in college….nineteen years old, which really isn't that long ago, but sometimes it feels like forever. I was good friends with this girl who was older than me- she was a fifth year senior, but we just kind of clicked and got along really well."

A fond smile touched Chloe's face at the memory, and also at the jealousy that briefly passed across Beca's face at the statement.

"She was taking this scuba class for credit, because she needed an extra credit to fill her schedule and it seemed like a fun way to get it. Anyways, she had to go to this little town in the middle of nowhere in Utah, of all places, to do her dive certification. I guess they have this giant crater there, and it's all warm water so it's perfect for scuba. My friend asked me if I would go with her because she was driving there over a weekend, and she didn't want to go by herself. It seemed like a fun excuse to go on a roadtrip, and I figured it shouldn't be too difficult to keep myself entertained while she was doing her dives."

The story seemed so naïve, Chloe noted with detachment, even as she kept talking.

It sounded like something that had happened to someone else, in a different life, in a different world. It was surreal, to be saying these things and painting this picture for Beca, but she inhaled and kept going.

"So we got there like mid-afternoon, and she went off to do her thing while I stayed in town and just sort of wandered around. I didn't have a set plan or anything, but I wasn't too worried because the town was decently small so I wouldn't get lost, and it was broad daylight so it didn't seem too risky to just wander by myself. Most of the town was set up along one main street, so I went there and just kind of started walking. There was this cute little park, and I thought that maybe it would be fun to go sit there and read for a while, so the next time I passed a bookstore I went in to look for a book."

"When I walked inside the only other people there were these two guys standing by the cash register. The second I walked in they were just staring at me, not even bothering to try to hide it, so I walked to the back of the store to try to get out of their line of sight."

Chloe shuddered at the thought of it, hating a little bit that she hadn't turned and run out of the store then and there. She should have known, should have gotten out while she still could…but no. Biting her lip, Chloe geared up for what she knew would likely be the hardest part of the story to tell.

"I was just kind of browsing, pulling random books off the shelf to see what they were about, when all of a sudden one of the guys was right next to me. He looked at the book I had in my hand- I honestly don't even remember what it was, at this point- but his face kind of twisted and he looked at me and asked if I knew that the book had several paragraphs of kissing between unmarried people, including a scene where a girl condones homosexuality and says that it's not a sin."

"I was so caught off guard I didn't even know what to say, so I just stumbled through an answer about how I didn't know that and went to put the book back on the shelf. The guy was just staring at me again, and I turned to leave, but he caught my wrist and pulled me back. I think that moment was when I first felt truly afraid about what might happen. I looked around, and the other guy had moved to stand by the front door, and he was locking it."

The remnants of phantom panic washed over her, and Chloe stopped speaking for a moment. She didn't look at Beca, not sure she could handle seeing her facial expressions at the moment, instead trying to focus on the railroad ties. She let her eyes run over them once, twice, three times, just counting them over and over until she felt herself calming down. She looked around, breathing in deeply reminding herself that she was outside, in the open, with Beca and Aubrey close by to keep her safe. The grip of the memory lessened, and she slowly continued.

"The guy next to me was looking at me like I was the most disgusting thing he'd ever seen, and he asked me if I was a dyke. I can't even begin to explain all of the thoughts that ran through my head in that one moment. I knew that I wasn't straight. I knew that, but I also knew that I didn't look like what people assumed I would if I wasn't straight. It sounds so completely awful, but my first thought when he asked me that was How did he know? I feel so horrible about that….because how many people don't 'look straight,' whatever the hell that means, and don't get that security blanket in the fist place? How many people have to deal with those assumptions every day while I just coast along because I can pass?"

"And what's worse is that, in that moment, my first reaction was to try to play up to the stereotype. I thought that maybe if I could convince them that I was straight, that there had been some sort of mix-up, that I could leave and be safe and everything would be better. I was panicking, and terrified, and so when he asked me if I was a dyke, I lied and said no. I told him that I dated guys, that I liked guys, and that I was I no way shape or form a dyke. And he just looked back at me, and smirked, and he said two words: prove it. "

Chloe heard Beca's breath catch in her throat, and she waited for a second to see if the brunette would do or say anything. She prayed silently that Beca would stay quiet, because if she interrupted now there was no way Chloe was going to be able to finish the story. She could practically feel how desperately Beca wanted to reach out to her, but she didn't, and Chloe let her shoulders relax the tiniest of margins before speaking again.

"That was when I realized that there was no way for me to escape. I had been caught the moment I walked into that shop, and there was never anything I could have done to stop it. I'm not going to go into detail about what happened next. I don't think that knowing exactly what happened is going to help you, or me, or anyone in this world. All you need to know is that I was there with both of them for probably four hours."

Again, she could tell that Beca was barely restraining herself, but she forged on, not wanting to give the younger girl too much time to think about what she was saying and react.

"Afterwards, one of them said he wanted to take me out so he could show me what it was supposed to be like, with a man and a woman. He took me to see this god-awful move in the tiny theater the town had, and the whole time I just sat there next to him, not moving. He was holding my hand, laughing at the movie, and I couldn't feel anything. I was just…numb."

"When the movie got out, there was a huge rush of people, and I saw a chance to get away and took it. And then….then I was outside, and I had no fucking idea what to do. Once I was sure that nobody was following me, I just picked a direction and started walking. I ended up by some railroad tracks in the middle of nowhere, and there was this wooden three-sided shack and I just kind of curled up in the corner so hopefully nobody could see me. I still had a couple hours until my friend would be back from her dives, and I had no clue what to do."

"I couldn't tell her what had happened….I knew she would feel guilty since she was the reason I had come in the first place, and that was the last thing I wanted. There was no way I was going to report anything- that would also likely entail my friend finding out, and honestly that was the last thing I wanted. But I was so terrified, the more I thought about it, because this was a tiny town. The guys in the store had to know that I wasn't from the town, and there was only one little hotel in the area, which is where my friend and I were staying. They had to be pissed that I had gotten away, so what if they went to the hotel to try to find me?"

"What if they saw that I was staying with a female friend, and that confirmed all of their assumptions about me being gay? There was absolutely nothing going on between my friend and I, but what if they saw us together and jumped to conclusions? What if they hurt her too, because of me?"

The memory of how terrified she had been hit Chloe like a train, the wave of emotion nearly drowning her. It had been one of the worst feelings of her life, to think about how her friend might be hurt because of her. The only thing that might be able to compare was how terrified she was of Beca being hurt because they were dating.

"I sat there until it was almost dark, just panicking and trying to figure out how to keep my friend safe, but I couldn't come up with anything other than being ready to call 911 as soon as there was even a hint of trouble. I made it back to the hotel room pretty late, and my friend was there, and of course the first thing she asked was how my day was. Inside I was screaming, but I just smiled and rambled about how awesome things had been and made up a bunch of bullshit about what I had been doing all day. She didn't question it at all, and I was so thankful."

"But then it was time for bed, and there was only one bed in the room. It was a queen, so it was silly for one of us to sleep on the floor, and I had no good excuse about why we shouldn't share. That whole night I laid there, teetering on the edge of a full-blown panic attack, just watching the door and praying that they didn't find us sharing a bed. Every time there was a shadow by the curtains, I held my breath and waited for the door to come flying open and for those two men to be on the other side, maybe with a few extra friends for good measure….but it never happened. We made it through the night with no problems, but I couldn't relax until hours later when we were driving away and that little town disappeared behind us. I was still hurting, but at least I knew that my friend was safe."

Chloe stopped speaking, trying to give Beca a second to wrap her mind around what she was saying. It was a lot to take in all at once, and she knew there was no way Beca had been fully prepared to hear this. She sighed after a minute before saying, "When I got back, Bree could tell instantly that something was wrong, that something had happened. I wouldn't tell her what, but eventually she figured it out. It was….a rough year, to say the least. I honestly don't think I would still be here if it wasn't for Aubrey. She kept me together when I wasn't strong enough to do it myself, made me go to class so I didn't flunk out, and basically just kept me sane."

The corners of Chloe's mouth lifted in a half-smile at the thought of how amazing Aubrey had been. She really did believe that she owed the blonde her life, and she would never be able to thank her enough for what she had done. But now came the hard part. She had to tell Beca why this had made her so reluctant to be open about their relationship.

Beca could probably connect the dots, but she needed to make sure that there was no doubt or uncertainty left in the brunette's mind. This was too important- she had come this far, and she refused to back down now.

"When I realized how much I liked you, Beca, I was terrified. It was the first time since it happened that I had liked someone so much that I couldn't ignore it or just pretend it was something else. I had spent the time since it happened trying to sleep with as many guys as possible, because I thought that maybe if I slept with them first and on my own terms it would be better in the long run, and that way nobody would ever think I wasn't straight."

Shame tinged Chloe's voice as she recalled how she had chosen to cope with things. She knew, logically, that no coping mechanism was better or worse than any other. She had done what she needed to do to try to regain some semblance of control in her life. But still…thinking of how many people she had been with as a defense mechanism rather than out of any real desire made her wince.

Chloe sighed softly before whispering, "But you…you were so different, Beca. I knew it was dangerous for me to like you, and even more so for me to actually do something about it. Everything in me was screaming to run away, to get out of a situation that could lead to more hurt, but I just couldn't. You were smart, and funny, and beautiful, and just…" Chloe paused, trying to come up with the right words.

"You were everything I could want, and I was selfish. I couldn't make myself give you up, even though I knew that it might mean you could be hurt."

And there it was: the reason she had been so against being open and out.

She was scared for herself, yes, but more than that she was terrified that Beca would be hurt and she wouldn't be able to protect her.

The thought of Beca being targeted, of someone forcing themselves on her or harming her in any way because she was in a relationship with Chloe….it was too much for Chloe. She shook her head quickly to clear her thoughts and refocus.

"I'm scared to be out because I know what could happen, and the thought of that happening to you-"

Chloe's voice broke, and before she knew what was happening, slender arms were wrapping around her, holding her gently and cradling her against Beca's body. Chloe could feel tears dampening her hair, but Beca was pressing soft kisses to the top of her head and holding her so carefully that she couldn't make herself break the embrace to turn and look at the other girl.

"I love you so, so much," Beca whispered fiercely, burying her face in Chloe's hair and inhaling the sweet scent. At the words, she felt Chloe shudder in her arms as she started to cry in earnest, turning so that her face was buried in Beca's chest. Beca held her gently, fingers tenderly stroking over her back to try to reassure the redhead that she was still there, that she wasn't going anywhere.

What had happened to Chloe made her angry, and sad, and scared all at once, but more than that she was filled with a deep ache that Chloe had been going through this alone because she didn't want to burden Beca with the knowledge. She never wanted the older girl to feel alone like that, to feel like she needed to shelter Beca or protect her.

Chloe shifted in her arms, looking up at Beca with an indecipherable expression, and Beca leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to the corner of her mouth. Chloe nervously glanced down before murmuring, "We can talk more about this, if you want, I know it's a lot…"

Beca shook her head.

"We can talk if you want to, but all I really need to say right now is that I love you. I love you, and I need you to know that. I'm not going anywhere. We have time to talk about this, if that's what you want, but right now I really just want to curl up under a blanket and hold you."

Chloe felt tears well in her eyes at the brunette's words, and she nodded. "That sounds…really nice, actually."

Beca gave Chloe a tired smile and stood carefully, offering her hand to the redhead to help her up. When they were both on their feet, Chloe used the grip she had on Beca's hand to pull the smaller girl back to her.

Beca looked confused but let Chloe lean in and bury her face in the crook of her neck, wrapping her arms around the other girl to hold her securely. Chloe pressed a gentle kiss to the soft skin of Beca's neck before tilting her head up to whisper, "I love you too, Beca. So much. Thank you for this."

She pulled away somewhat reluctantly and followed Beca down and off the roof, starting the short trek up the hill to where she was sure Aubrey was anxiously waiting. Her fingers found their way to tangle with Beca's of their own accord, and she sighed gratefully when Beca squeezed lightly as they approached the car.

They both opened the door and slid into the backseat, with Chloe curling up into Beca's side as soon as the door was closed.

Aubrey looked back at the two of them, and felt a wave of relief when Chloe nodded slightly at her. Beca watched the small exchange, and when Aubrey glanced over at her, she nodded as well, wrapping an arm more securely around Chloe, before saying, "Let's go home."


End file.
